Moving Forward

I have had quite a bit going on lately. I would like to share with you some of the things that have been keeping me so busy. As summer wound down last year, I went back to work. Why is this important – because I have been on disability since April of 2011. Things had happened and I thought I was going to lose my disability. So I started looking for a job I thought I could handle. 

Almost immediately, I found a great job. It was well suited for me. The office was small and mostly quiet. Plus, I enjoyed the work I was doing. Unfortunately, it didn’t last. Within three months I had missed so many days because of my illness. They wrote me up. They warned me, one more offense and I would be let go. Well I knew right then I would never be able to meet their standards. 

I went to see my PDoc and after I talked to his nurse I joined a partial program at the hospital. I would go to the hospital every day and I could come home at night. It was a great learning experience. I found out during the hospital visit that not only do I have bipolar and anxiety, but I also have OCD and PTSD. I wasn’t surprised. You should see me at a restaurant or the grocery store. My girls have joked about my OCD for a long while. Take the Krystal for example, everything about the small burger is square. So honestly tell me – why can’t it ever be a perfect square when I get them? This is one of my biggest pet peeves. And even McDonald’s – everything is round except for the cheese. How hard is it to make a circle? Good grief, I can’t stand that. And don’t even get me started about packing things. This includes the cart when we go grocery shopping. I start from the front and build my little grocery block little by little until I am done – mostly perfect little square. 

As for the PTSD, my girls always ask me why I have to sit with a wall to my back. I can’t ever sit comfortably with my back facing the door. I always look in the back seat of the car before getting in. And when we go on vacation I have to sleep closest to the door and of course I won’t lay with my back facing the door. I’ve been doing all this ever since I was a kid. It’s just gotten worse I think as an adult. 

After the partial program, I started my new medication my PDoc had suggested. It was amazing. Some of the new medicine changed my taste buds and I started losing weight. So far I have lost about 45 pounds since Thanksgiving. I haven’t been keeping up with my blogs either. I have had so many things pulling me in different directions, I just haven’t had the time to think about anything else. The most important thing I’ve been doing is writing a novel. I started writing a book a couple of years ago. I never could get it together. Every time I opened it to write a little while I would end up just revising what I had already wrote. It was so frustrating I just set it aside and quit trying. However, in late March of this year, I started writing again. This time I started from the beginning and wrote a completely different book than the one I had given up on. It only took me a few weeks to complete the novel to my satisfaction. Everything seemed to flow just right. The book is similar to my blogs. I just went about it as if I was writing one big blog. It turned out great. I have been looking for a publisher or literary agent for around a week now. Because of the way I wrote it (overcoming mental illness and living a full life) it turned out to be somewhat of a self-help book, partly religious, and also modern literature. Of course it is a fiction novel. Any likeness to anyone or anything is completely a coincidence. So I have been keeping myself busy. I feel a lot better emotionally since my hospital visits. I also feel like I am rejuvenated since I have started losing weight. I even joined a gym last month. I’ve really enjoyed that. When I have something on my mind, good or bad – mostly bad – then I can just go to the gym and work out. Working out at the gym really helps clear my mind. I can work out any frustration, stress and worry. 

My illness is under better control since my PDoc changed some of my medicine last fall. I honestly feel like I am moving in the right direction. I’m in a good place in my life right now. It feels good to be moving forward instead of always stumbling backwards. 

Read the rest of Angel’s blogs for IBPF here or you can check out her personal blog here.

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