Splitting the Holidays

When you go through a divorce it is inevitable that you will split everything.  That includes time with your children if you have them.  Every other weekend isn’t that bad.  It was in the beginning.  Believe me, it took a while for me to get used to it.  But having a nice quiet weekend every once in a while is actually nice.  Weekends I can handle.  Summers around here get pretty lonely.  My youngest daughter, Bee, her dad gets her half the summer.  We split it, alternating weeks.  So most of the summer it’s just me and my oldest daughter, Bug.  We miss Bee a lot when she is gone.  Summers are bad but holidays are the worst.

Every other year for Thanksgiving Bee’s dad takes her out of town for a week to visit his family.  I know it’s only fair that she spend time with them too, it just makes my Thanksgiving a little depressing.  And maybe I’m just not grateful enough because I do have Bug at least, and I am Thankful for that.  It’s just on those years (like this year) when Bee is missing at Thanksgiving, with all my family there I feel like a part of me is missing.  

Now let’s talk about Christmas.  On alternating years I get her for Christmas Eve morning, or Christmas morning.  Again I know this is only fair.  And really I don’t mind this at all.  It’s just on the years that I have her Christmas Eve morning she misses our family’s Christmas dinner and gift exchange.  Again when I’m there with all my family and the festivities are going on and everyone is so merry and bright it’s just like a part of me is somewhere else, like the day just isn’t complete.  And she’s gone at Christmas for another whole week.  And that week seems like the longest week of my life.

Now he spends time with her other times too.  Maybe a day or two here or there on fall or spring break but nothing matters more than summer or Holiday breaks, and the Holidays really get me down.  I know I should be grateful that I lucked into a guy that actually wants to be a daddy to his child and I am.  I am eternally grateful for that.  Bee and her daddy have a great relationship and I am thankful for that.  I’m glad he wants to invest so much time and attention into his daughter.  He’s a good father.  I never had a problem with that.  

My loneliness, My sadness, that is my problem and it seems to get worse around the holidays, especially when my Bee is gone.  I hate sharing the Holidays, even though I know it is the right thing to do.  And I’ll keep doing it, and I’ll put on my happy face and smile at all the right people, laugh at all the right jokes.  I’ll be as cheerful as I’m expected to be, while inside my heart is missing a piece to its shattered puzzle.


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