Several posts ago I wrote about my experience with psychotic mania (‘My Manic Summer’) and now I want to write about when I was psychotically depressed. I said in ‘My Manic Summer’ that I have only experienced psychosis once and that was when I was manic, but I was...
Quite a while ago I was told that during spring and summer I would most likely be controlling underlying mania and during winter I would be fighting depression. This is because medication doesn’t work very well for me, my moods are very seasonal and I have the type of...
In the past week I had an in-depth conversation about bipolar disorder with a friend of mine who knows very little about it. I appreciated her honesty and being open to learn about something that has been a big part of my life. One question that she asked me really...
through the depression. I felt, without a body, something in agony or maybe a body without a soul, stiff and too heavy to pull from the bed. Yes – an obese body, my own flesh and grief, too heavy for my body to lift. There...
I had been out of work for five years and then four months ago, I began working part time. The job completely drained me and so I quit Thursday a week ago. I couldn’t believe how relieved I was afterwards. Then Friday came; I began second-guessing myself...
Paradoxically, I’ve found newfound perspectives of patience, humor, and focus borne of depression itself that have strengthened my resolve to survive and recover. I’m hoping that through this blog, you can grab onto a positive idea to bridge whatever mental...
‘It feels like a long way down.’ Yes it certainly does. The crashing fall from the highest peaks of manic elation to the deepest depths of despairing depression is devastating. My mood swings are like clockwork and for the past few years I would become gradually...
The first time I truly got depressed was when I was 20 years old and the guy I was involved with told me that although he really liked me, he was still in love (with his ex-girlfriend). It was downhill from there. Failed relationship after failed relationship. More...
I’ve recently been discharged from a psychiatric clinic for a depression episode. I’ve been writing and thinking a lot about my current state as well as my experiences within the clinic, but mainly what I want in my life. This piece touches on my state of mind...
“Music washes away from the soul, the dust of everyday life”- Berthold AuerbachGrowing up, music was a big part of my household. Not that any of us played musical instruments but just, enjoying it. Dancing around the house. Singing at the top of our lungs....
I have been battling a depressive episode for the last two months. We fool around with my medications but I haven’t felt like myself in about five months. Three days ago I posted a photo on my Instagram account about recovery and thought a quote about recovery...
2/25/15 Mania. I am manic as hell right now. I can’t sit still. Nothing is enough. It’s insatiable. I smoke too much, want sex too much, shop too much. And it’s never enough. Never. I have to keep going, keep seeking out...
One of the reasons I am glad that I moved to Florida is that it led me to a peer run drop in center near my house called Rebels Drop In. In my small county, Broward, between Palm Beach and Miami-Dade, we have 5 of these centers. Peer run drop in centers average 5 per...
Melancholy Its winter.I knew youd be knocking at my door soon.Your familiar spirit–always unwelcomed–but persistent. She asked me What are you depressed about?I wanted to shout About the serotonin depletion,The change in weather that makes...
This is the first part in a 3 part series. We recommend reading them together.Part 2: Understanding Triggers and Vulnerabilities in Bipolar DisorderPart 3: Management Strategies for Successful Relapse PreventionI recently watched a documentary called...
What is ‘stable’? After 6 years of constant ups and downs I wouldn’t know what euthymia was like if it slapped me in the face. I was diagnosed with unipolar depression when I was 20 and up until 22 (when I was re-diagnosed with bipolar), I thought I had been...
Often times, people are depressed after the holiday season for a variety of reasons, but the New Year brings with it new possibilities if we are open to them. Every moment we are alive is a new moment so every moment brings a new possibility even though we may...
When I got my dog, Lena, just over two years ago, I didn’t yet know I had bipolar disorder. I had been diagnosed with major depression by my college’s health services and given only an anti-depressant to take. I had been high as a kite all summer – my apartment was...
I hope you all are having a wonderful Holiday Season and you all have a blessed Christmas. This month’s blog entry will be a poem that I wrote; I hope it brings you comfort and strength, though this time of year is a joyous time for many, many others suffer alone and...
It is that time of year again when we are supposed to be joyful, surrounded by friends and family, and have a generous heart. Many of us though find this time of year to be depressing especially because we are supposed to be in the Holiday Spirit. We are...
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s (AFSP) logo is a life preserver. I think the idea is that the organization brings people together who want to preserve life and prevent suicide. For those of us who have tried to help a loved one who has to navigate...
We all know someone or have gone through the experience of losing friends because of a mental illness. I don’t have many friends right now and I go day by day watching my two sisters, my Mom, my Dad, and even going into a store, I see girls laughing together and the...
Jumping off my balcony, abusing drugs, walking down the middle of a highway and neglecting meds. Thats how I use to ring in the New Year and wish my family a Merry Christmas. Since Ive been diagnosed bipolar in 2011 Ive found that once the Christmas season hits, I...
Often, there are times when we don’t want to do anything; nothing inspires, nothing motivates, nothing is uplifting. “It seems that the weight of the world is bearing down on me and I can’t possibly do anything about it-I should just go. It’s just one thing after...
To Loathe Every time I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw. Self-loathing had been a big part of my identity. Why did I hate myself so much? Why did I look at my reflection with contempt and disgust? I am not sure how or when it started, but many of...
I am fortunate to be mentally stable and manage my bipolar disorder well. That being said I sometimes have a tendency to not always have a positive mindset throughout my day. At times negative things that people say or do bother me and I’m not able to let...
Nine years ago this December, my mental illness erupted through the surface of my otherwise regular life. Work was a snowstorm of activity with the holidays approaching, and I remember feeling super stressed out trying to keep all my end-of-the-year meetings with my...
We’ve all heard it before, or something similar, “This too shall pass”. “Just puts your big girl panties on”. “You’ve been here before, you can do it again”. While our loved ones mean well, in the throes of...
November 22, 2014 is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day, a day that much of society most likely does not know anything about. The American Foundation of Suicide Prevention (AFSP) in recognition of a resolution that Senator Harry Reid introduced to the senate,...
Getting help for my bipolar disorder was one of the hardest and best things I’ve done. I’m a pretty proud and independent person so opening up and making myself vulnerable was extremely daunting. I was in my third and final year of university when I knew...
Resilience is defined as the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens or the ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc. If you want a real-world example of...
I’ve been wanting to write about this topic for a while, but I kept putting it off. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do it, but more and more I found myself easily distracted. (Thank you social media! I’m blaming you!) 😉 I realized that the...
Talk therapy is a big part of my treatment plan. I cant go without it. I know medication is a necessity for me, but I need my therapist. I need cognitive behavioral techniques, and I need coping skills. Its a struggle for me to simply...
South Africa The sad bigotry, Like stalactites, Cold fingers, Paw at the caverns of my mind Phantoms, reminitions of my past, Await me, In cochineal cloaks, Those ghosts of yesterday To feed again, Extinguish the...
Mental Health Awareness Week occurred from October 5-11 and on October 11 I participated in one of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s ‘Out of the Darkness Walks’ in Northern California. I was planning to go alone because I had attempted to persuade...
This week my old friend really wanted to meet up with me. I just had a very deep depression episode and now Im trying to go back to society. Im looking for a new job, doing things which I used to love and doing as much as possible to feel good. And stay out of...
I want to talk to you all about something that I experienced very intensely when I first started taking medication. What happened was I felt a very strong dull feeling inside. I was no longer feeling the lows, but I was also no longer feeling the highs either. So, I...
I have loved writing, for as long as I can remember. I have written during many of my happiest moments in my life and of course during some of the toughest times as well. Within just the last couple of weeks, my husband’s and my world turned upside down....
For a number of years I worked in the financial industry and HAD to closely follow the news to be well-informed. Near the end of that time I started taking various self-improvement courses and started having different sessions with various non-traditional...
Suicide has been in the media a lot over the last little while due to the very sad passing of Robin Williams. As such a public figure, his death has started a broader conversation about suicide. I do not know his circumstances and so I will not dwell on what lead Mr....
The day Robin Williams passed away my husband woke me up from an impromptu nap. I had a rough day and I was very tired. The first words I heard from my nap were “Robin Williams passed away”. How? “Apparent suicide” he replied. Now I don’t normally get emotional...
I write this entry in my blog with a very heavy heart, as I mourn with the rest of the world over the tragic news of Robin Williams passing. A brilliant man, in every sense of the word, an amazing actor, a Talented Comedian, a man who shared...
I hate myself right now. I hate myself every time I’m depressed. I just started a new medication after gaining 9 pounds in a month on the previous med I tried, so I’m depressed about that on top of having general depression. Since I’m starting over...
I’ve had episodes of depression throughout my life, but it was only seventeen years ago that I realized I had a mental illness. Up until that time, I blamed the episodes on circumstances of my life like being away from home my first time, escaping from Vietnam...
I’m here to talk to you about guilt. This is something that I felt for several years after I got help for my disorder. I couldn’t believe the things that I had said and done to both my husband and mother. I was beyond devastated. I was apologizing...
Every time someone suggests I read an article on having Bipolar, I discover that articles written or paraphrased by normal people always find a way to quip on how people with mental illness should adopt more normal activities in order to enjoy life. It is appalling...
It’s only a 4 letter word. It’s a terrific motivator. It determines whether or not I think life is worth living. And if it’s lacking it’s awfully hard to move on with daily tasks. Yes I am talking about hope. It’s funny how quickly...
As a woman with bipolar I disorder I have experienced many major depressive episodes. During those times I’ve not only relied heavily on family, but also on friends and church leaders. As a recipient of the compassionate phrase: “I’m here if you need to talk”, I want...
In every one’s life there are moments when you feel like you will never be able to get up and live again. I had one of those moments in my life. During which I thought I was done with everyone. I had crashed hard. Harder than I ever did. It was a really bad time.It...
Those of us who have a mental illness are sometimes told and also think that our mental illness is our fault because we lack faith. This is not the case. Mental illness is a biological disorder and can affect anyone. Let me tell you a story found in the Bible. The...
