Our Blog

When It Rains…

By: Laura Sanscartier ...it pours. Or at least it does in my case.  I bet it does in a lot of cases out there. I wish I could meet each and every one of you and give you the biggest hug. What am I talking about? Multiple diagnoses, often called comorbidities. It's...

Wellness & My Mood Disorder

By: Liz Wilson “Mindfully focusing on wellness in our lives builds resilience and enables us to thrive amidst life’s challenges.” National Wellness Institute Wellness is a relatively new construct that encompasses our level of connectedness to the world around us. It...

The Power of Peer Support

By: Allan G. Cooper “Psychiatrists can tell you about the ocean by reading about it and seeing it in their practice but we know what it's like to be in the water”. This is how my co-worker Ray explains peer support. We work for an agency called OBAD, the Organization...

Managing School While Feeling Depressed or Manic

By: Sydney Batt Students living with Bipolar disorder have challenges not many people see or understand. Features of bipolar disorder make it tough to thrive in school, so it may feel like a lonely battle in the classroom. School stressors can contribute to triggering...

No Two Wellness Journeys Are the Same

By: Laura Sanscartier "I feel fantastic!" "Life is so good!" "Look at how well I'm doing!" Have you seen a status like this on Facebook or Instagram and felt revulsion toward the person who wrote it? Believe me, I've been there. For many people, wellness means that...

Finding The Correct Psychiatric Treatment

By: Carissa Martos For the first time in a decade, I’m on a new mental-health medication. This is a huge event for me, as I have navigated most of my life as someone with anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, and chronic pain with…close to nothing, chemically. I’ve been on daily...

Maintaining My Mental Illness Is A Lifestyle

By: Andrienne Kennedy If someone had asked me five years ago how do I manage a mental illness, I would have not been able to give an answer. For years, I was uneducated about mental illnesses or mental health all together. That changed back in 2014 when I was...

Working Toward Mental Wellness

By: Tosha Maaks Remaining balanced when you live life with bipolar disorder isn’t some magical trick and it isn’t some tricky formula that only those who have super powers have figured out. However, stability I can say is a magical place to be after years of living in...

Letter To An Old Friend

By: Natalia Beiser Dear Chad, In the early 1990’s, we were such good friends. Outside of my family, I have never cherished anyone more. You supported me through a chilling hypomania and a catastrophic mania. You watched me deteriorate during medication trials and...

A Helping Hand: An Essay On The Importance Of Mental Health Parity

By: Sydney Waltner More than half of all Americans will be diagnosed with a mental illness in their lifetime. But not everyone will receive the help they need. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, only forty percent of adults and fifty percent of...

An Appeal For Mental Health Equity To South Korea’s Minister Of Health And Welfare

By: Jamie Park Dear Minister of Health and Welfare, I am writing to express my grave concerns over how the nature of mental illness is generally perceived in my country, and how such perception, in turn, has directly penetrated the legislative process in enacting or...

A Letter To Congress Advocating For The Mental Health Parity And Addiction Equity Act

By: Elena Hirsch Dear Congressman, Illness of any kind can be devastating, causing pain and suffering not just for the affected individual, but for family, friends, and all of those around him. But while insurance companies are quick to provide a treatment route for...

Navigating Communication During The Holidays

By: Courtney Davey, MA, LMFT The holidays are a wonderful time: family, friends, feelings of good will etc. However, these additions to your schedule also can create high levels of stress. Holiday movies are notorious for making gags out of the difficulties with...

How To Stress Less Even When The Holidays Are Hard

By: Andrienne Kennedy This is the most wonderful time of the year! For many people the holidays signifies happiness, family and fun. But what about those who struggle when holiday time comes around? While the meaning of the holidays is beautiful, it can be a rough...

Last Christmas And The People Who Made It Okay

By Allison Clemmons Hatch One of the most difficult seasons for many is upon us. Those of us who celebrate Christmas, not just those of us who grapple with the symptoms of bipolar disorder, have a tough time maintaining any sort of cheerful disposition, for a...

Hello Panic, Still Surprising After All These Years

By: Lori Lane-Murphy Halloween is long over. Tell that to the demon climbing up my ribcage. I’m not sure even the Exorcist himself stood a chance against the terror that clutched at me last night with determined fingers and the express purpose to bring me down. I...

International Day Of Persons With Disability

By: Liz Wilson “International Day of Persons with Disabilities (December 3) is an international observance promoted by the United Nations since 1992. It has been celebrated with varying degrees of success around the planet. The observance of the Day aims to promote an...

The Masks We Wear: Being Honest About Our Feelings

By: Conor Bezane I feel a lot of pressure. Pressure to take my meds and stay on them. Pressure to be a good son, brother, and uncle. Pressure to be a man. Pressure to conform and lead a healthy, happy life. It’s tough, but I’ve learned to maintain composure and grace...

Why I Stay

We must push past the stinking black curtain of illness and find the things that can keep us going.

Wife, Mother, And Survivor

I am a lucky suicide survivor. In 2008 I tried to end my life after a hard day at my job. I came home, and I said good-bye to my children, and I climbed into bed to snuggle with my middle child and say my good-byes to him.

It’s Cool To Be Kind

By: Andrienne Kennedy “As you get older, you will discover that you have two hands.  One for helping yourself, one for helping others.” - Audrey Hepburn Last year was a pivotal year for me. I was 39, and really started thinking about my 40th birthday which would be...

A Holiday Message And Resource List From IBPF

Although the holiday season is known to be the most wonderful time of the year, the truth is that it can also be very difficult for many of us who are suffering from hardships and/or mental illness. It is important that we take care of our own mental health and also...

Nobodysangel7775 Bio

I am a Writer/Author/Blogger. I am a twice divorced single Mother raising Two beautiful young girls. We also have two lovable puppy dogs who are very spoiled. I am also a recovering drug addict (Meth & Cocaine) and I used to have a pretty bad drinking habit too...

Margaret Trudeau And Her Struggle With Bipolar Disorder

By Nathan Gagné People with mental illness often feel as if they matter less than the rest of the population or that their illness is an impenetrable handicap. Margaret Trudeau has struggled with bipolar disorder in the duration of her adult life and speaks openly...

Turning The Worst Into Success: Ted Turner

By Eric Corona Fiercely, vigorously, and ingeniously Ted Turner made a name for himself in the television industry with all odds stacked against him. Mr. Turner has bipolar disorder, which has caused periods of depression and suicidal thoughts; his father struggled...

Seizing The Darkness: An Essay On Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe’s Bipolar Disorder

By Angela Li As Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “One must have chaos in one, to give birth to a dancing star.” Considered to be Germany’s greatest literary mind of the modern era, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe certainly was a whirlwind of chaotic creativity. With such a...

Join IBPF + The Youth Mental Health Project For #SIF2017 On October 8th!

By Wendy Ward, Executive Director, The Youth Mental Health Project My first experiences with mental health conditions are the reasons that I co-founded The Youth Mental Health Project. I believe that by changing the way we talk about and how we act with regard to our...

Redefining Success: Part 2

By: Megan Malfi  

What Do You Mean It’s Forever?

By: Laura Sanscartier I am 37 years old.  I have battled symptoms of bipolar disorder since I was a child, and was diagnosed when I was in my early 20s.  Essentially, I have endured and tried to “fix” this disease, even cure it, for 30 years. I have gone to many,...

“Bipolar” Is The Wrong Word

By: James Phelps, M.D. “Bipolar” is the wrong word. Worse than inaccurate -- it’s directly misleading: 1. Depression is the main problem for most folks. Bipolar should be called “Depression Plus." 2. Depression and manic symptoms frequently occur together, in “mixed...

5 Things I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me When I Was Diagnosed

By: Danielle Workman I’ve said it in many other posts and even in my book, but the day I received my diagnosis and was told I had Bipolar Disorder, I truly felt alone. The days that followed, the feeling remained. The more I searched online and the more I dug, the...

Finding Solace In Art Therapy

By: Emily McGuigan “If I could say it in words there would be no reason to paint.” ~ Edward Hopper As an artist with Generalized Anxiety Disorder(GAD) and Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), I have primarily used drawing and painting to help me cope with and explain...

New To Dual Diagnosis? – Five Critical Life Hacks

By: Conor Bezane There are 5.7 million bipolar people in the US, and 60 percent of them are addicts, according to the Epidemiologic Catchment Area study. Co-occurring addiction is more common in bipolar people than in any other psychiatric group. We drink and use...

Parenting With Mental Illness: Part 1

By: Michelle Vasiliu In 2015, my first picture book, My Happy Sad Mummy, was published. My Happy Sad Mummy is a Picture Book for 3-8 year olds. It is a story that portrays the emotional response of a young girl living with a mother who has bipolar disorder. The book...

Finding Strength in my Story

By: Danielle Workman The day I received my diagnosis for Bipolar Disorder, I felt so alone. I remember it vividly, because it was so incredibly painful. I didn’t know anyone with Bipolar Disorder I could talk to about it. The people I knew that had anxiety and...

My Thoughts On Stigma And Having A Bipolar Diagnosis

By: Serena Goldsmith As a peer counselor, speaker, and mental health clinician, many people have shared with me that they feel stigmatized by having a mental health diagnosis and they feel reluctant to tell others about it. I felt that way too for many years after I...

Hiding In Plain Sight

By: Aubrey Good I am an intern at the International Bipolar Foundation. I spend a few hours a week at the office finding articles, writers, resources, etc. that I believe are beneficial to educating the public on bipolar disorder and also offer hope and understanding....

My Journey With DBT: Part 3

By: Allison Strong I’m in a year-long Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program.  Many people repeat the course. More than once! They say in their first year they felt more like passengers than patients because there’s so much material to cover.  I agree. Now that we’re...

My Journey With DBT: Part 2

By: Allison Strong When I first did intake for group dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), I sorta ‘flunked.’ Temporarily. It was determined that I’d been traumatized and I was transferred to their Trauma Resolution and Integration Program (T.R.I.P.) for individual...

A Step Back From The Edge

By: Nic Fleming It has been almost 8 months since my last blog. It is hard to believe how much time has passed. I literally could not write- or read for that matter. So yes, I have been exceptionally unwell but I would like to share some aspects of my experience over...

Guys: 5 Reasons Why We Are Selling Ourselves Short

By special guest: Chris Worfolk of Worfolk Anxiety Management Embed Video: Special guest, Chris Worfolk from Worfolk Anxiety Management, shares 5 suggestions for overcoming mental health stigma and taking care of mental health. For more information and resources on...

Combating Stigma With Compassion In South Africa

By Mamotladi Ivy Matloga My name is Ivy Matloga and I am a public servant and an author. My brother lives and copes with a mental illness. I just released a novel, a work of fiction, inspired by my brother’s illness and the observations I have made, as well as...

Redefining Success

By: Megan Malfi Check out Redefining Success Part 2, here! For more vlogs from Megan Malfi, check out the playlist here.

How DBT Helps Me Deal With Bipolar Disorder

By: Allison Strong A year ago, I wrote about Zen, Mindfulness and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). DBT is an update on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy—both written by Marsha M Linehan, Ph D. Originally, DBT was strictly for the treatment of borderline personality...

When Will I Feel Normal?

By: Scott Walker  

What Happens If You Let Anxiety Get The Best Of You?

By Melanie Luxenberg You don’t want anxiety to win, but let’s face it; sometimes it happens. I say don’t be hard on yourself when it does. Anxiety and bipolar disorder seem to really like each other- a lot. Or at least that's what my experience has been. Anxiety came...

The #1 Rule For Living With Bipolar Disorder

By Megan Malfi

Video Blog: Asking For Help When You’re High Functioning

By Megan Malfi

Positively Changing My Own World

By Allison Clemmons I have been very excited about sharing my recent remission story with the world. I have bipolar disorder, PTSD, and ADHD. I have struggled all of my life to some degree. Traumatic events involving my family a few years ago sent me into a tailspin,...

My Pharmacy And Me

By Janet Coburn You may think that your psychiatrist and your psychotherapist constitute your treatment team. You can add your caregiver, your bipolar friends, and your online groups and call them your support system. But there's one person you've left out. One who...

I Moved Overseas When I Was Manic

By Megan Shultz I have Bipolar Disorder.  At the end of January 2016 I finished a course of 15 ECT treatments for a severe episode of depression.  A couple of weeks after I finished the ECT I started to become very angry and irritable. The mania was setting in. You...

My Steps To Hope And Wellness

By Pieter Steyn I want to ask you, how are you? What heaviness are you carrying? What tears are you holding back? What pain and what fears are you keeping inside? People often ask you how you are and you reply “fine”, but you are not fine. They will never know that....

Self-Stigma

by Kelly C. Kirby, MS, LPCC I oscillate between thinking of my bipolar disorder diagnosis as my enemy and my partner in life. When I reflect on this ideological difference, I wish I could blame external events or influential people for my shifting perspective;...

Who Can Get Through To You?

By Jen Teh In a recent conversation with a good friend, we talked about a mutual friend who appeared to be showing signs of bipolar disorder but who was quite closed to the possibility of a problem. The conversation meandered to what it was like when I was first...

The Unseen

#TheUnseen is when mental and/or emotional fatigue leads to withdrawing, and depressed thought loops. It is when "I'm tired or "I don't feel good" mean so much more. It is when you can't even handle being around the people you love. It is when you wish you could...

Finding My Purpose

I’ve always been extremely hard on myself. I think those of us who struggle with depression frequently are. I know that I have a tendency to compare myself to others who don’t have to deal with mental illness. Are they more successful than I am? Do they have a better...

Journey to Recovery

Like many people, my bipolar disorder was misdiagnosed for years. On average, people wait six years for a proper diagnosis. For me, it was decades. In hindsight, my new diagnosis made so much sense and explained so much of what I had been through over the years. It...

Love, Marriage, And Bipolar Q&A Series: Part 2 Of 4

Q: How do you support your partner when, in the midst of a hypomanic episode, they tell you that they want to end the relationship and move out on their own? How can you tell if that’s what they’re truly feeling, or if it’s a result of their episode? Beka: From a...

Moods Like The Weather

By: Ros Limbo Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is the first thing that came to mind on the 2nd of April, when Namibia officially changed to winter time. The change in time signals the transition from summer to fall; nights begin to get longer while days are limited...

My 7 Year Old Has Bipolar – Now What?

By: Farida Raj “My son needs help. He has bipolar disorder. Bipolar! How can a seven year old child have bipolar?” I, a Remedial Educator, was sitting with a parent who had recently relocated from Canada to Hyderabad, India. A pediatric psychiatrist had diagnosed her...

A To Z Guide To Stress Management For People With Bipolar Disorder, Part 7: Get Moving

By: Carrie Elizabeth Lin This is the seventh in a series of 26 posts covering a variety of stress management tools and techniques, starting with the letter A. For some background information on stress and bipolar disorder, the blogger recommends reading her three-part...

Love, Marriage, And Bipolar Q&A Series: Part 1 Of 4

Long time married couple Ron and Beka Owens answer your questions about relationships and bipolar disorder. Do arguments about issues in your relationship with your husband ever trigger manic or depressive episodes? How do you deal with any issues you may have if you...

Dr. Heaton’s Message Of Hope

My only brother received a gift two days after his birthday, and ten days before Christmas. It was a gift that every person who suffers from mental illness wants. He carried a cross throughout his life called bipolar disorder. Many people - including me, our mother,...

Three Concentric Circles

By: Karen Meadows In retrospect, during my daughter’s battle with mental illness, I wasted a lot of energy worrying about things I couldn’t control. When I learned about a framework called Three Concentric Circles at work, I realized this was a powerful approach I...

Author Melody Moezzi Talks About Mental Health And Muslims

By: Alexis Zinkerman I interviewed Melody Moezzi, an Iranian-American bipolar Muslim feminist activist, an attorney, a writer and author of the award-winning books War on Error: Real Stories of American Muslims and Haldol and Hyacinths: A Bipolar Life. She blogs...

EmmaLou

Hi, I go by the name of EmmaLou. I live in the state of Virginia in the United States. I am a survivor of mental illness. I am 61 years old and although I was not diagnosed with bipolar until more recently, I know that I have been dealing with its symptoms for quite...

Tardive Dyskinesia: A Decade Later

By: Allison Strong This is an update on an IBPF blog that I wrote a few years ago, “Move Over, Movement Disorder,” about my Tardive Dyskinesia (TD) and all the hoops I had to jump through to attain symptom control. I also did two TD videos you can view on our YouTube...

Inspired To Stabilize

Inspired to Stabilize By: Kryss Jobes So, this year I want to make changes in how I live my life. For the past few years, I have told myself I will do this, but it never lasts. It is all too easy to get distracted and put off important tasks, or to miss one day and...

Trust In Your Medication Changes

There are a large variety of medications to help treat bipolar disorder including mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and anti-psychotics, just to name a few. Some people take only one medication or treatment, while others take multiple medication and treatments;...

Stigma…

Stigma a small six letter word, But blocks the way; Too unconfident to be heard. You beastly biased blighted word, You block the light you’re so absurd.   Stigma stands blocking our path, Scared alone or scared they'll laugh. You disgust me with your devilish...

Poem: BEAT LIFE

Life is like a treasure hunt. We keep searching for the answers to unlock mysteries presented to us by life. We are always on a wild goose chase thinking we are nearing the key that will unravel the mystery, and we end up with another puzzle on our hands. A few lucky...

Pets: Helping or Hindering?

Ever since our twenty-something daughter was diagnosed as suffering with bipolar depression accompanied by manic episodes and anxiety, I’ve learned volumes about this disease. Some of this knowledge comes from personal experiences, talking with parents, or information...

All About Support Animals

Support animals can be incredibly helpful for those that need them. Although they are widely used, many are still ignorant to them. While there are many laws and other tidbits I don’t mention in this post, here’s a general overview of support animals. What is a...

Student Unraveled: Bipolar On Campus

I pace frantically while I talk raucously into the telephone outside the college newspaper office. What began as a routine phone call to find out some more information for a story ends up turning into a diatribe about how I plan to take over the Massachusetts...

A New Beginning

We all will rise with the burning sun, one day's ended, the next one begun. As sure as time the light will prevail, breathe out stresses, let go, exhale.   Each step you take feel the warmth all around, as the dew disappears from the warming ground. This healing...

A Day in the Life of Depression

In my last blog post ‘A Day in the Life of Hypomania,’ I posted a journal entry highlighting what it’s like to be hypomanic. In contrast, this blog post is a journal entry I wrote following that episode when I was moderately depressed. 6/6/2015. WINTER I wake up late...

Stigma Society

“Oh Wow! So this whole time I was actually just stupid?!” Well hell, had I known that, I wouldn’t have needed to take my meds. What a relief. So I’ll go speak to my psychiatrist and ask them how to get “un-stupid” and then I’ll be cured! Said no-one ever. So I was...

The Thrill of Shopping While Hypomanic

First, let me say that I hate shopping. Not just grocery shopping, which I assume pretty much everyone hates, but all the kinds of shopping that women are stereo-typically supposed to love: clothing shopping, shoe shopping, makeup shopping, and furniture shopping. I...

The Missed Lecture: How What I Did Not Learn In College Nearly Killed Me

“Youth is wasted on the young,” Irish playwright Oscar Wild is quoted as saying. It may be true, too, that happiness is wasted on those who have had no real trouble. Memories of my own youth surged through me recently when I met a 27-year-old woman who has her own...

Mysterious Days With Bipolar Disorder

(This is my digital painting illustrating my psychosis during the year of 2009.) “I am going to rule the world. I am the queen of Rome. Everybody here on Earth will be destroyed by God and I will be the only one left…” After I gave birth, I became the queen of Rome...

Staying Afloat During Depression

I have tried to write this blog countless times over the course of the past few weeks, but the words would not come. Come to think of it, I’ve tried to do a lot of things over the past few weeks, until eventually I just gave up, sinking into my own private despair....

The Twelve Tips Of Christmas: How To Manage Recovery During The Holiday Season

If you live with a mental illness like bipolar disorder, the holidays can be a tough time of year. Between crowds, dysfunctional families, and pressure to buy gifts, the holidays can bring bouts of depression, battles with mania, and huge helpings of anxiety. Here are...

Finding Your Purpose And Giving Back

Finding purpose in a life with bipolar disorder and various other mental diseases is not easy. I had no aim in life. I was born, grew up under the shelter of my parents like every other normal kid, and then was suddenly pushed into the real world when my mother passed...

Running is Part of My Therapy

When I get depressed, I suffer from severe pain deep in my muscles and not many things help it. During a particularly rough few months, two different massage therapists asked me if I had considered trying running as an outlet. They each told me that my muscles felt...

A Day In The Life Of Hypomania

(A picture from the mural I drew on my wall during that hypomanic episode.) A while ago while cleaning out my room I found diary entries of a hypomanic episode that I had at the start of 2015. The fact that I had written a diary entry is unusual because I don’t...

Help Us Win Healthline’s Best Health Blog Contest!

We've been nominated for Healthline's Best Health Blog Contest! We need your vote to win! The contest lasts from November 22 - December 12, 2016. You can vote once per day, every day, during that time. Please take a minute to vote for us: 1. Go...

Learning To Be Present

It’s been months since my last full scale manic episode. However, the road to today has been paved with mixed episodes, depression, and frustrating medication changes. Some days I despair that life is passing me by whilst I wrestle with the utter exhaustion of having...

Fear For How Divided My Country Has Become

Editor’s Note: The views and opinions in this blog are the author’s and do not represent those of International Bipolar Foundation. The 2016 US election has been stressful for many people, and our bloggers often write about stressful events in their lives and how they...

Bipolar Disorder And Work

Help us win Healthline's Best Health Blog of the Year! Vote for International Bipolar Foundation here.  Having been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the year 2009, I have struggled with coping, not only with my mood and personal life, but also with my professional...

Tips For Traveling Easier When You Have Bipolar Disorder

Help us win Healthline's Best Health Blog of the Year! Vote for International Bipolar Foundation here.  Traveling can be difficult for everyone, even more so for those that struggle with mental health conditions. Between packing, leaving your normal schedule, the...

New Life, New Love In Recovery: The Best Ways To Begin (And Keep) Your Relationship Strong

Remission and recovery from any mental illness, addiction, or both, bring with them, for most of us entirely new gifts. Some of us are fortunate enough to find a whole new way of living, one which we have never experienced or imagined possible. Not all days are easy,...

Questions About Bipolar My Friends Always Wanted To Ask

I have been very open about my diagnosis and journey to recovery and acceptance. I started my blog to chronicle the ups and downs that I experience during my journey. Recently my friends were open enough to ask me questions they have always wanted to know about living...

Up? Down? How About Both At Once?

People who live with bipolar disorder grow used to – or at least familiar with – the cycle of manic highs and depressive lows. But what happens when the highs and lows come closer and closer together? What happens when they both occur at the same time? There are...

Coping With The Election Outcome: My Story

Author’s note: This post has political content, though my intent in publishing the article is to share what was for me a very big stressor (and how I dealt with it). I couldn’t figure out a way to tell the story effectively without including some of my political...

How To Stay In Touch With Reality During Psychosis

If you have experienced psychosis, you know that it’s a very hard thing to explain to someone who has never experienced it before. When you are in a state of psychosis, it’s extremely hard to be able to tell yourself what is happening to you, and it can be even more...

Glorious You

Trigger Warning: Rape Mention  I was sitting in the room, a computer, a plant, and two chairs beside me. I was crying so hard; I didn’t want to tell anyone. I refused to. I knew it would break this person’s heart and I could not watch that happen. My psychiatrist has...

Diagnosis And Self-Identity

What does it mean to me, in terms of self-identity, to have a dual-diagnosis of bipolar type II disorder (classified as a “mood” disorder) and borderline personality disorder (classified as a “personality” disorder)? I looked up the (psychology) definition of the word...

Prioritizing Veterans’ Mental Health

Veteran support is an important aspect of mental health. Many veterans come back from serving their country and suffer from both physical and mental issues. Some don't understand what is happening to them or don't want to admit what is happening. This means that many...

Staying In-Patient In A Psychiatric Ward

My bedroom was full of figures. I knew I wasn’t dreaming – I was wide awake and had the light on. The noises were extra loud. I thought the hourly trains were blowing their horns over and over. The airport was louder than ever as well, with planes taking off...

PTSD: Feeling Like I’m Trapped In A Nightmare

I’m a girl who has been trapped in a nightmare for the last twelve years. I have bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). My drowning in despair started when my mother passed away in 2004. The diseases were...