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Incarceration and Hospitalization: Worlds Apart

“Mentally ill persons increasingly receive care provided by correctional agencies. In 1959, nearly 559,000 mentally ill patients were housed in state mental hospitals (Lamb, 1998). A shift to "deinstitutionalize" mentally ill persons had, by the late 1990s, dropped...

Bipolar Disorder: Defeating The Suicide Statistics

Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder was one of the most traumatic events of my life. The illness presented itself in my teens and at the time I was unaware of the possibility that my experiences had a diagnosis and that things could get better. By the time I began...

Learning to Live “Alone”

After my husband and I had been married for 16 years, his liver became damaged from Hepatitis B.  A year later he had a liver transplant which he survived for five and a half years.  At the end of that period, the Hepatitis destroyed his new liver and he...

My Manic Summer: Take 2

It seems that my last blog post was somewhat prophetic. I am currently sitting on a bed, in a psychiatric hospital, recovering from my second psychotic manic episode. This episode evolved much like the last did, with me becoming so elevated that I lost insight...

How Do You Handle Setbacks?

Many people that I’ve met who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder are very intelligent and creative individuals.  Sometimes those same people have very high expectations of themselves due to being smart.  Another potential tie-in for some is that when manic...

What If He Won’t Commit to Regular Counseling

“You’re right, I’m a terrible mother, I’m a horrible wife, I just can’t do anything right!” I confessed as I faced my husband following his recital of my shortcomings after coming home to a messy house and 2 unkept daughters. That night I decided that my husband...

How I Found True Love in Mental Illness

Life with bipolar has a lot of ups and downs...and not just for moods. I think relationships, romantic ones, become one of the hardest parts of your life to manage and to keep balanced when you have a mental disorder. Romantic relationships include allowing...

Love Is Patient

When my husband and I first started our relationship, we weren’t ready to be in one. I had just received my bipolar diagnosis a year before we started dating so I was still learning about how to function in life with a Bipolar diagnosis and he was trying to figure out...

What Love Means Now

My version of love has changed from the past several years. When I was younger, love to me was an infatuation. When I was in my 20’s, love was lust – yes, there is a difference, but the label of love was used. Now, in my late 30’s, love is completely...

Am I Worth Loving?

It’s hard being in a relationship and having bipolar disorder. My disorder played a key factor into why I had a few relationships fail. Sure, we weren’t meant to be, but what I put them through didn’t help. I will say that I honestly didn’t know about my mental...

The Not-So-Thin Line Between Mania and Living Life To Its’ Fullest

I am writing this blog after an awful fight on the phone I picked with my mom. She ended up telling me that she finally understood why I want to become a psychiatrist and that there is indeed no other career that would suit me better — because only such a crazy person...

Bipolar Diversity – Friends With Significantly Different Insights

Society likes to group everyone with bipolar together. They insist we are all alike. We are all violent. Every time something violent is done in this country it is blamed on bipolar. The person must certainly have bipolar. I can't speak for others, but for me, it gets...

A to Z Guide to Stress Management for People with Bipolar Disorder, Part 1: Appraise Stressors Realistically

This is the first in a series of 26 posts covering a variety of stress management tools and techniques. For some background information on stress and bipolar disorder, the blogger recommends reading her three-part series, “Getting a Handle on Stress When You Have...

Wouldn’t You Feel Better If You Could Have An Open Conversation About Mental Illness?

If stigma didn’t exist, we would discuss mental illness more openly. I had a recent unpleasant experience on Twitter where someone posted a tweet that essentially said “Bipolar is not an illness. You simply have not trained yourself to control your thoughts and...

Bell Let’s Talk 2016

International Bipolar Foundation is participating in the 2016 Bell Let’s Talk Initiative, which is taking place on January 27, 2016. How does it work? Bell Let’s Talk is a Canadian mental health initiative that encourages participants to have an open...

Prevention Strategies for 3 Types of Self Harm

Trigger Warning. This article talks explicitly about self-harm and different types. If you feel as though you may be triggered but still want the tips, read with a supportive person present. We feel out of control and in control at the same time. We hurt...

A Healthy Mind Starting Now

It’s January, a time of the year when people make the resolution to throw on their workout gear and make a healthier version of themselves. Usually, this doesn’t last very long. I know, because I was one of them. But a new body shouldn’t be your only reason for...

Bipolar Disorder is Ageless

Bipolar Disorder is a disorder seen throughout the aging process. It can start in childhood and continue on through into senior citizens. It is not just a disorder for young adults, criminals and the rich and famous. Bipolar disorder, also known as manic...

Goals, Not Resolutions

It’s the first month of the year and most people are posting about their New Year’s resolutions. There are plenty of articles with ideas and they’re almost all the same: work out, save more money for retirement, remove toxic friendships, eliminate processed foods, and...

What My Parents Need To Know About Me

I do not say much about my parents. There is nothing to be said about my folks outside my therapy sessions. Out of a need for privacy I usually keep my family members out of any advice I give on this blog. This Christmas I decided not to visit my parents in their new...

How Should I Approach Stigma At Work?

At work the other day I heard someone say something disrespectful about people who live with bipolar disorder. I think they felt comfortable saying this in front of me because they did not know I have a mental illness. I was surprised and offended when I heard it, but...

David Bowie: You’ll Always Be A Hero To Me

When tormented musicians perish I overrelate. It becomes more about me than the departed. This is about him. David Bowie. The King of ‘Sound and Vision,’ crossed divides of age, fame, race, sexuality, politics, and style with theatrical flair and...

I Can’t Guarantee I’ll Never Become Manic Again

I have only been hospitalised for mania once (you can read about my experience here). My memory of that time is hazy and distorted by the manic lenses I was wearing but to say that it was dramatic is putting it lightly. I had just turned 23, was newly diagnosed with...

Getting a Handle on Stress When You Have Bipolar Disorder, Part 3: Tools and Techniques for Managing Stress

This is the third article in a 3-part series. The blogger recommends reading the first article and second article before reading this one. When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder over 15 years ago, everything I read suggested that people with bipolar...

9 Lessons Bipolar Disorder Has Taught Me This Year

As 2015 is drawing to a close I often find myself reflecting on the things bipolar disorder has taught me over the past 12 months. This year, like the last few years, has been a steep learning curve. However unlike last year where I became fully acquainted with my...

Avoiding Alcohol and The 3rd Degree

Alcoholism is well known in my family, on both of my parents’ sides. This doesn’t mean I do not drink because of this, but I have never been “drunk.” I have will power and know my limits. I don’t find the attraction in getting to the point where things are blurry and...

New Year, New Resolutions

Every year like millions of others I create a New Year’s resolution. Most of the time, I don’t see it through and by the following New Year reflect on the failure of yet another resolution. This year I’m going to focus on positive change. A couple of my friends have...

My Search for Happiness

The New Year is a great time to take a look at how you would like the next year to go, to plan, to see what you can do differently to make it a better year. I used to spend previous New Years (and most days in between) looking for changes that would bring me...

When Christmas Doesn’t Feel So Merry

Lights, candy canes, Christmas trees, Santa, nutcrackers, snowmen, gingerbread men, cookies, cakes, pies, ham, turkey, wine, sparkling wine, stockings, gift boxes, Christmas carols, and garland…this list goes on. This brings “happy” times…right? Not for...

Easing Gift Giving Anxiety

In my family, as odd as it is, we have a tradition of on holidays attempting to make one person cry with the most sincere gift. Birthdays and Christmas are the times we do this the most, mainly because those are the two biggest gift giving days. It’s an odd tradition...

How “Christmas Vacation” Saves Me Every Year

Have you seen the movie “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”? Every year, our family settles in to watch it at least once between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. It’s a huge tradition with us.  We’ve been quoting it for years. “Save the neck for me, Clark,” is a...

Coping with the Pressure of Christmas

Not too long ago, I wrote about Thanksgiving and about how it can be a difficult time. As I’m sure a lot of us know, Christmas can be just as hard to get through, if not harder. This is during a point of time in the year where we’re supposed to be reflective and put...

What Do You Eat For Breakfast?

From my childhood until approximately five years ago, I never really thought about what I ate for breakfast. Like everyone else I had heard many times that "breakfast is the most important meal of the day".  A common breakfast for me was orange juice with one or...

Mania and Bipolar Disorder

Sarah describes what mania feels like for her and how she has learned to manage it. Sarah regularly blogs for IBPF and has done some YouTube Videos for their channel. She now writes on a regular basis for the Dallas Morning Post as...

Putting Meaning to the Holidays When Your Family Changes Over Time

It is that time of year again. The holidays. People often think that they should be a happy time of year, what with the music and the lights and the gatherings. But, actually, they can be a difficult time of the year for many people, and I don’t just mean people who...

Staying With School Through The Storm

I went back to school in August 2015 to City College of San Francisco feeling confident that I would do well with my studies. It was like a breath of fresh air as I passed test after test and scored A’s on my psychology papers. Then my life seemed to go down a road...

Finding Your Place: The Greatest Gift for the Holidays

I don’t know if it’s because I’m the middle child with a large age gap between both my older and younger siblings, but I’ve always struggled with my place in my family. My older siblings always had each other, they were two years apart and my younger siblings had each...

The Many Faces of Anxiety

Everyone deals with anxiety at some point in their lives. When you’re getting ready to argue or fight, it is that exact emotion that causes your hands to shake. It can cause you to start to feel warm or even for you to start sweating a little. Those are our bodies’...

How Bipolar Disorder Is Viewed In Kenya

Kenya is a country on the East side of the African continent. Mental illness is still a taboo subject here. Even among the elite and educated citizens, witchcraft and curses are still considered the greatest cause of mental illness. It is common to read in the media...

Relationships and Bipolar Disorder

Good evening readers, I hope this entry finds you all doing well. Tonight’s topic is relationships. How do we help those in our lives understand us and communicate in a gentle way with an understanding heart? Those who know me best know that I’m very people oriented;...

How I Manage Bipolar With A Helping Paw

To my knowledge, I’ve never been without at least one animal in my life. That ranges from rabbits and hamsters to kittens and 100 pound dogs. I’ve always felt connected to animals. One of my pets is Baron, a German Shepherd close to 100 pounds. I trained my dog...

Grateful for Bipolar Disorder

This week we’re celebrating Thanksgiving in the United States. Family, food, and gratitude mark this special time of year. It’s a time when I check in with myself, with my mind and my spirituality. It’s a time when I ask what I’m grateful for, and most importantly,...

Confessions of a Manic Mystery Shopper

I was once a high-valued corporate spy, investigating customer service everywhere I went by working as a mystery shopper. After a year of luxury brand espionage, I went inactive. Why would I forgo hitting posh hair salons on the house, free smells, scrubs, and...

The Dog

Creativity in bipolar disorder is more often than not associated with hypomania/mania instead of depression. However, I wrote this description of depression eighteen months ago while I was in hospital and psychotically depressed: My dog has returned to me. Not my...

Messiah Complex

My name is Marek Danielewski and I have been diagnosed properly with Bipolar Disorder for about 9 years. While I know I suffered longer, I found ways of self-therapy and treatment. I wanted to submit my art and ideas on ‘bipolar and art’ to the blog to inform, inspire...

Surviving Bipolar Depression

It's like I'm Paralyzed. Not physically but mentally. It's this gripping fear of facing the day when I can barely muster the strength to get up and hit snooze on my alarm clock for the fourth or fifth time in a row. There's a relentless knocking of responsibility at...

An Unnecessary Burden: Bipolar Disorder And The Sense of Guilt

Guilt is undoubtedly a fundamental emotion that each and every one of us has experienced to a certain extent on various occasions in our lifetimes. As far back as the 19th century, Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychanalysis, believed that guilt is the...

What Medications?

Mental illness can be an ugly disease to live with. People talk about the prejudice that they face when people know that they have a mental illness. I've been lucky. I've spoken before about sharing my condition with others and usually nothing too terrible comes from...

Dealing with My Anxiety

I have bipolar disorder, but I also have an anxiety disorder. I really dislike feeling anxious so there are various things that I do to fight it. The first thing I do is try to see if there is anything to be anxious about. If there is then I see if I...

Getting Through Thanksgiving

When you’re dealing with bipolar disorder, the holidays can be a tough time. Although I’m doing better than I was several years ago, this time of the year can still be a little tough. Everyone around me is just so happy and I start feeling a little melancholy. How do...

Swim With Me

Self-loathing is something I do best. It never ends. I have knots in my stomach, bricks on my chest, a lump in my throat. I’m anxious and depressed at the same time. I try to be positive. I read articles about how to get myself out of this. But I can’t. It consumes...

Keeping Both Feet Firmly On The Ground

“I think you’re becoming elevated” are words that make the ground fall out from under my feet. When I hear someone even hint that I am unusually energetic, cheerful, speedy or irritable it feels like my grip on reality is weakening. I can picture my ascent into mania...

The Ancient Greeks Thought Bipolar Disorder was a Divine Gift

Did you know that two of the first human diseases described by the classical Greek physicians are “mania” (mixture of anger, rage, and euphoria) and “melancholia” (sadness)? Jules Angst and Andreas Marneros wrote a paper that scoured ancient writings for...

Move Over Movement Disorder

Have you ever felt that you were the patient treatment wouldn’t help? After three years of searching for relief from Tardive Dyskinesia I was defeated. Out cold. Counted to ten. My saving grace was my husband because he would not let me give up. We were both up every...

Mania, Anger, and Guilt

Mania is a very tough subject for me. When I’d go through the manic episodes it was very painful. I’ll admit, after I dealt with it in therapy, I just wanted to forget about it, but I know that’s not right for our readers. So, here goes… I deal with mania a lot....

Yoga Philosophy for Bipolar Disorder 101: Part 3, Asteya

This is part of a series on the the basic “do’s” and “don’ts” of Yoga philosophy, called the ‘Yamas’ and ‘Niyamas.’ Previous posts covered the first Yama: ahimsa, or nonviolence, and the second Yama: satya, or non-lying, honesty, and...

No Longer A Number

Just like my bipolar disorder, my eating disorder started in bits and pieces and later formed a cycle. Did you know that as many as 14% of people with bipolar disorder have a co-occurring eating disorder? And it’s not just women! There are male anorexics,...

How to Support a Loved One Dealing with Mania

Sometimes mania seems like the ugly stepchild of the bipolar duo of mania and depression. Depression seems to get all the hype, all the attention. And mania sits in a corner like Baby from Dirty Dancing. But if any of you have seen a loved one (or you yourself) have...

5 Ways Service Dogs Can Help People Living With Bipolar Disorder

Can those with psychiatric disorders such as bipolar disorder benefit from interaction with animals? For most people the answer is a resounding “YES!” There are an increasing number of dogs being trained to assist individuals with a range of disabilities. It has been...

Getting a Handle on Stress When You Have Bipolar Disorder, Part 2: The Connection Between Stress and Bipolar Disorder

This is the second article in a 3-part series. The blogger recommends reading the first article before reading this one.  If you’ve been living with bipolar disorder for some time, you’ve likely noticed a connection between symptoms you experience and stressors in...

How To Tell Someone You Have Bipolar Disorder

Sarah shares tips for telling someone that you have bipolar disorder, and what to do when someone has a negative reaction. She is speaking from her personal experience living with bipolar disorder. Sarah regularly blogs for IBPF and has done some...

Explaining Bipolar Disorder to My Son

I was standing at the kitchen sink crying. I had just screamed at my 7 year old again. Albeit he was being really annoying, and he talked back to me for the umpteenth time, but it was no reason to scream at him. I just couldn’t control my anger. I was in...

I Think I Have Bipolar Disorder

Emotions and moods fluctuate for everyone. When life is going our way we are happy and when things are rough we can be down. This ebb and flow of moods is normal; it is what makes us human. So what is the difference between ‘normal’ and ‘bipolar’? Bipolar...

My Formula for Recovery

It took me a few years to figure out just what I need to stay mentally healthy with no risk of relapse. I had been on the road to recovery so long that I forgot how important all the things I do every day are. I learned the hard way that I need to stay on my plan...

Guys Supporting Guy Friends

Often I hear of women getting together with one or more friends to do things to support one person and/or another. Some examples are getting a manicure, meeting for coffee, or going to a movie. Sadly this isn’t as common in guys doing things together with their...

How Do You Know If You Are Making an Emotional Decision?

I used to think that I could tell easily whether or not I was feeling emotional. But recently, I have realised that it isn’t as easy as I thought. There have been times that I thought I was calm enough when talking to my partner after a disagreement – only to find out...

What does a Headache Have to do with It?

Headaches have been my companion off and on for years. I usually take Excedrine and Tylenol and put a cold pack on my neck. I often have to lie down as well. I even suffered with migraines for a time and lived with shots, dark rooms, and tremors. Having bipolar...

Weight Gain: Bipolar Symptoms, Medication Side Effects, and Disordered Eating

I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder after a wildly embarrassing acute manic episode. I did it all. I claimed to be Jesus. I punched a friend, who I thought was the devil. I got arrested in the lobby of my freshman dormitory. I stripped off all my clothes and...

Another Diagnosis

A month ago it was just another Tuesday morning: wake up, shower and dress, drink some coffee, then leave my husband and puppy at home to drive 45min to my doctor’s appointment. It felt like the same as before: go in for 45 min, talk, get refill prescriptions if I...

Mental Health Issues – A Challenge We Can Handle

Human beings are social animals. We live in communities and in addition to our basic needs of clothing, shelter and food, we need strong bonds, of belongingness to go through the motions of life through good and bad times. In the case of a serious health issue...

I Wish We Had All Been More Aware of Mental Illness

As far as I’m concerned this week is the best week of the year. It’s not only Mental Illness Awareness Week, but here in Australia it’s Mental Health Week. Although mental health promotion and awareness of mental illness should be continuous throughout the year (not...

Overcoming the Stigma Within

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was in shock. I had no idea about mental illness or mania or psychosis. I had no idea that my brain could be responsible for altering my reality, for making me think certain thoughts, or for making me feel sad when...

Mental Health Awareness and the Church

This is Mental Health Awareness Week, and as a minister who has bipolar disorder, I am aware that churches tend to be filled with silence not awareness. One of my passions is helping churches become more aware of mental health issues and know that recovery is...

Embracing Change

Life is a beautiful fragile precious gift, that’s why we call it the present. Life is ever changing, nothing in this life is certain except that one day all our lives will come to an end, when this life is over, it’s inevitable. We cannot put a stop to the hands of...

Why Awareness Is So Important

Awareness for mental illness is so important because of the stigma attached to it. When I had told a former friend that I have bipolar disorder, she jumped back and yelled, “Don’t attack me!” Seriously? I’ve never attacked anyone in my life. Sadly, that’s not the...

New Hobby to Consider: Coloring Books for Adults!

I know what you’re thinking, “A coloring book? Has she lost her mind?” But studies have shown that adults struggling with mental illnesses have benefitted greatly from coloring books geared for grown-ups and I’m one of them! I was given one for my 29th birthday...

Self-Harm, It’s Not Just Cutting

Self-harm is a way of dealing with deep emotional pain. Hurting myself made me feel better when it was the only way I knew how to cope with feelings like anxiety, sadness, self-loathing, emptiness, guilt, and rage. It’s an outward expression of inner pain—pain that...

Dealing with Stigma

“Are you on Facebook?” Those four little words make me cringe more than anything. Never did one sentence cause so much fear and anxiety. Then I have to weigh very carefully how I respond. There are questions I ask myself about the person: Are they open-minded? Will...

Living with Bipolar Disorder, Acceptance Goes A Long Way

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was young, fifteen or sixteen years old, but before that I had been seen by doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists for depression. I think ‘manic’ stages were assumed to be me being a ‘normal’ kid: happy, productive, and...

My Experience Losing Weight On Bipolar Meds

I think it’s safe to say that many of us who have bipolar disorder struggle with weight gain. The main reason is that medications can affect our appetite. My medication makes me crave sweets like never before. A woman I met in my bipolar support group had just...

Starting Medication: The Dull Factor

In this video, Sarah talks about the dull feeling she had when she first starting taking medication. It eventually went away after she worked with her psychiatrist to adjust the medication to what works best for her. Read more of Sarah’s posts for IBPF here....

When You’re First Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

When you’re first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it’s normal to be confused, scared, and upset. You may be grieving, and that’s okay. The pain may feel unbearable, but it will eventually fade. Though you may feel alone right now, you are never alone. There are...

Catch It, Check It, Change It

I sit every day on the third floor of the student center eating my lunch. Today I was ruminating about how up until now I was usually eating lunch with friends, laughing and having fun, but these days, it is not at all like that. I do not have friends at school, or at...

Positivity

Think...Think My thoughts are wild. Untamed. Running wild like mustangs Think...Think My mind is a minefield. One wrong step and it’s blown Think...Think One day bad. One day good. Think...Think One day fast. One day...

DBT and Me

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) was originally designed to treat individuals diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder (which I was), but has skills and tools for everyone. DBT has been, notably, successful in individuals with Bipolar Disorder and PTSD as...

I Have Finally Arrived!

I started playing ice hockey at the age of 25. About four years after I started I took up goaltending. I loved it so much that in 2001 I decided I wanted to become a sports psychologist. I always knew that I wanted to go back to school to get my Masters, but it wasn’t...

Bipolar Is Just One Part of Me

Recently I had coffee with my cousin and we were discussing the times I have been unwell. This lead to me talking about how I write for print and online sources about bipolar, my passion for mental health promotion and how I volunteer for a mental health organisation....

One Year

It’s been a year. My dad died by suicide on September 3, 2014, his 65th birthday. It’s taken me this long to say that out loud to more than a handful of people who didn’t already know this to be the case. I didn’t find out until September 5th which has been recorded...

September is Suicide Prevention Month

Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S. and third among young people.  I first had suicidal thoughts when I was nineteen and in college.  I thought I would kill myself by cutting my wrists, but I couldn’t cut deep enough and once I started...

Self Care for Men

I know, I know...some of you guys out there have raised eyebrows as you’re reading this.  You may be thinking something along the lines of “self care is for women” and/or “self care is for sissies.” I used to think that way too. In the past five years my...

Getting a Handle on Stress When You Have Bipolar Disorder, Part 1: The Basics of Stress

Fall is upon us, and for many people it’s the season of stress. School starts back, work picks up, the days get shorter, the weather gets colder, and the holiday season begins—all potential sources of stress. So in honor of fall, I’m writing a series about managing...

What If I Fail

After I started getting treatment, I so badly wanted to find something to distract me. I tried so many different hobbies and jobs that I met with so much failure. It was painful. Part of the problem was that I wanted to move on so badly that I didn’t take the time to...

The Art of Being Alone

“They are opposite states... Solitude is usually actively sought after and is a personal choice that comes from an inner yearning. Isolation is usually actively avoided and is forced from the outside. Solitude allows for expansion and freedom of thought, providing the...

After My Suicide Attempt

There are a lot of things about suicide that aren’t talked about. The thing that comes to mind for me, having survived a suicide attempt early this year, is what happens when you survive. Once you get out of the hospital, you will probably be happy to have your...

Is Mania a Spiritual Experience?

I was eighteen years old when I first experienced acute manic psychosis. I had just arrived at the University of Georgia for my freshman fall semester when I suddenly had what seemed like a profound spiritual awakening. I felt as if I was waking up from a bad dream,...

Total, Partial, and No Control

The couch at the hospital near the bed of my brother felt hard and impersonal. He was facing surgery to have part of his foot amputated as a result of diabetes. The medical staff told us he would go into surgery at 11:45 am. It turned out to be 2:30 pm. Since he...

Going to College with Bipolar Disorder

Sarah shares her advice for teens who have bipolar disorder and aren't sure if they should go to college or not. Going to college is absolutely possible. The most important things that have helped Sarah be successful are sticking to her treatment plan and a...

In the Thick of Mixed

I can’t believe that I’m actually writing this in the middle of a mixed episode right now, or presenting mixed features of a bipolar episode, because for the most part when my mind races like this, I can’t even articulate a relevant thought let alone write a series of...

Polarizing Identity

A question central to my recent discussions with my therapist is: “Is my identity too centered on my mental illness?” When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2013, I was thankful. Not upset, not rejecting. But thankful. For months and months prior to my...

My Experience with Psychotic Depression: Part 2

In my last blog post ‘My Experience with Psychotic Depression: Part 1’, I wrote about how I became suicidally depressed and psychotic, which lead to a hospitalisation. In this post I will write about the changing point of my depression and how I got better. I was...